A Christmas Nightmare

It was already passed 9 when I decided to start finishing my assignments. I was somewhat crammed over the paper works that has to be done but the following day promised something exciting for me. Yet I know, there’s no another day to finish everything up. I should be busy by then, but his texts washed away what I had planned for the night. And so there I was exchanging thoughts and listening to lover boy’s hilarious stories. As soon as it was over and the Sand Man did his work visiting me, there I was again trying to finish what I had planned for the night. I yawned and looked up the clock then mom’s presence startled me. I thought it was nothing but what came out of her mouth made me wonder what will happen next. It was all about my uncle, her older brother. He was hospitalized because of his heart problems; it seemed ordinary to me since he would visit the doctor a couple of times so we left it just that.

As I welcomed midnight, dad put me to sleep so I won’t get entangle with another problem at large, as I will be going back to Davao early in the morning tomorrow. So I gave myself some rest, expecting for everything to turn out just fine.

As time flew unnoticed, it was already 3 in the morning; mom’s tears came out of nowhere. And we we’re all bothered by the news sent through the text messages. News spread its wings and broke the silence of the night. My beloved uncle died of a heart attack. What came to be a peaceful day ahead was shattered with sounds of grief and agony and we were left reminiscing the old times he was there with us, especially my mom. It was tragic day for all. The day God opened his arms and embraced one of his sons back to his kingdom.

I then went back to sleep and thought about my uncle and then I thought about Christmas. How could a joyous celebration such as this be paired with such a heartache that could entirely ruin the merriest celebration of all time? I just then closed my eyes and hope that the family could get over this. We... could get over this.

Even when I was at school, all these things came over me. I watched the TV again, as though it can divert my attention away. But the news about Death’s works keep popping up the screen, how his claws grabs everyone’s attention and yet made loved ones whimper for their losses. Yes, still remember the old times; I watch the same gory thing happen over and over again. But the sad part is why it could happen now. Why on Christmas? This is supposed to be the season of our Lord Jesus Christ. It’s sad, knowing you cannot be happy in this festive event. And why? Well, simply because this someone bade you their last goodbye. And it’s not the usual goodbye thing. It’s like the ever-permanent-goodbyes there could ever be. And what could be worse than experiencing the real thing right before your eyes? It’s not part of the television anymore, it was real.

The clock was still ticking and I woke up that very Christmas Eve in that freaking Funeral Homes. But as I was trying to wake myself up, I hesitated. Well, what can I do? I don’t have the guts to get up, nor to greet them the worn-out word, “Merry Christmas”. It doesn’t seem merry after all. But who can blame me right? I wasn’t feeling that all happy even just pretending to be. So I just wished myself a merry Christmas as I cried myself to sleep. Hoping this nightmare will finally be over soon.

And another thing, well, whoever said that whatever food you may have in the table, as long as you have the family together, it would be the nicest Christmas there could ever be. Well, what do you know, because of the death of a love one, the family did get together that Christmas, and I mean the whole clan. It was like reunion time once again, but only the saddest. We were there not because to enjoy the yuletide season with the family and the relatives, but because of that certain loved one who is lying in that filthy old coffin, cold and corpse.

It was on the 26^th, that gloomy day everyone is afraid of from coming. It was 11AM when the mass started. But when you realize the mass was nearly over, I felt a sudden, cold in my spine. This is it. Our last physical goodbye to our beloved, I know I hate crying in public but I just can’t seem to force myself from hiding the pain within. Losing a loved one is painful, very excruciating, I know. But why now? I’m supposed to be partying right now, or be somewhere else merry and lively.

And then it came over me. Christmas is really not just about happiness, and merriment. It is also about acceptance and hope. Acceptance for my uncle, that we came from ashes and to ashes we shall return. Acceptance for us, his family, that soon enough, he will be joining our Almighty God in Heaven. I’m sure God has the best plan in the world, and whatever it is, it’s all worth it. And we must be happy for him wherever he is now.

And yes, the other meaning of Christmas; It’s about HOPE. We are so caught up with our dream or our nightmares that we weren’t even thinking about waking up. We must not let this ruin everything. That whatever pain there is that might come our way, we must accept it. And remember that on Christmas, it’s the birth of our Savior. We must believe that He is our last Hope, our only hope. Believe, that before long, the clouds will break and someday soon you’ll see the sun; a new day, the day you’ll have the ever happiness and contentment you always wanted. Just always believe and remember that this is only a nightmare, a worst Christmas nightmare. :(

Stress. Unwind. Movies. Creepy. Fun.

SEPT3. After a stressful day of music-vid-viewing trauma, and a week of video editing, midterm exams and results; Jen, Flyn and I decided to just take the afternoon off and head directly to the mall (since it rained and SM is too far na, we have no payong u know☺) a few minutes after my class in history. We went there to see a movie for us to unwind and think of nothing else for quite some time… It really was a busy week, and a movie would be a perfect solution to our hungry souls’ addiction for movie marathons. College life isn’t that fun you know when it comes to movie-marathon addicts like us… It’s not gonna be like it was before when you can watch 7-10 movies a week… I know I have, and it was the best time then. But now? We can only watch movies once in a blue moon. It’s stressing right? But what can we do… we’re just students who are trying to finish deadlines and stuff. Anyway, that’s beside the point, got carried away again, haha ahm, ☺

Okay, back at the mall, we bought large popcorns and hurried to cinema 4 to watch Rouge in action. And… ask why? Well, you know me (you will know now) I love to watch suspense, thriller, and horror movies in cinemas for one reason I know… that is so I can SHOUT my lungs out. Since that’s the only place I can do that (Aside from college fiestas when you are supporting your team, you can really shout… I mean A LOT). It’s like you are trying to shout out the deep feelings that you have inside. Like you are trying to get out the anger in you when you are mad in a way of shouting it and giggling all over (it’s fun though, haha). And… the best part? You REALLY can shout your lungs out in movie houses because it’s dark, loud and well you’re not the only one who is shouting… so, it’s fun… it really is, trust me. You don’t believe me? Why not try it yourself… Well movies can do that you know, even not through shouting and watching horror movies and all but it can help you MOVE ON from that feeling you have now by just watching. It’s something movies can do, movies can help you, they do, trust me… I know, uhm can I say a lot? Okay, A LOT.

Anyway, just for the sake of a movie review? Uhm, It was OKAY though… but if want to “shout” (like what I explained above) it was kind of lousy… I don’t know, I just think so! It was not THAT amazing so I really can’t expand the talk and all… sorry! Hehe

Oh yeah right… and another thing. During the last parts, we remembered Sir Gary’s words on not to skip the credits part of the show (since it is disrespectful). So Jen and I decided to stay. Moments later, a weird guy appeared guy right beside us. She was looking at us at some point, and suddenly sits a seat apart from Jen. And then he was like carrying a rectangular box, trying to make it seat to that chair beside him. And then he was like, “pakibantay sa ko dai ha” and left for a while and come back with an empty can, and then he keeps looking at us like he was some kind of a pervert or maybe he was planning something… I don’t know. Like eeeww, creepy right? We thought it was a bomb or whatsoever so we hurriedly left even without finishing the credits of the movie (sorry for that, heheh☺). That guy really crept us out. Eeew… weird stuffs happenin’ around (especially the mall, hahah you know what I mean Jen, hehe). Hahahai, ewan, what’s happening to the world?? Hahah awh, what the hell… it was fun though! (I think, heheh)

Have a nice life everyone… ‘Til Next Blog!! TTFN… ☺

Depressing much.

SEPT2. Weee… my first blog in a lifetime. Hahah, NOT! I have a lot of this… stuff, but i’ve stopped since i’ve been busy and all. Anyhoo… since I started this, I think I’m obliged to do this every once in a while so here goes… (LOL)

To start things of, I have this DEPRESSING experience these past few days. You see, our project for midterms is to have our very own music videos with good editing and all. I was very excited then because I am very fond of conceptualizing and all that, so I came up with a perfect one for “Wait for You” by Elliot Yamin (except the fact that it was KIND OF dedicated for someone,) even before I added the class subject. But then, everything turned out unexpectedly, there were some things that didn’t turn out right and I was so disappointed, even after I conceptualized my second one. Until I have learned from my friend the perfect song “Yesterday” by Leona Lewis. But I really wasn’t blaming anybody (really!)… It’s just that circumstances come, and we should be ready for it to happen. My final song was perfect, and I imagined the way it was going to happen, as perfect as the first video I had in mind. The effects, transitions, the video, the setting and all; like I was watching it in my head even before it was being put into a video.

But as I always say, life does funny things to annoy us (heheh,☺). When circumstances came, everything is not the same. And I was like in hell because of it. You see, when I first planned to shoot my vid, fuckn’ circumstances happen, and guess what, it was my 2ND worst enemy, the RAIN (did I mention I hated rain since… forever? Okay, now I did). And now I despised it even more. Every time I plan to shoot my vid, this FUCKN’ RAIN will come. If not the rain, my models don’t have free time and all. And the worst thing of all, I do not have a MAC, I mean, yeah, I have a laptop and all but what can I do?? I wasn’t informed that they were not compatible with MACs (well actually someone told me they DO, so I didn’t do anything about it. And now what? Everything is sooo not right, sigh!). Now, I have to suffer for two whole days in the editing bay just to get my vid done (and A LOooT more days with no sleep, and depression, LOL, bitaw!). And tingnan moh nga naman, just when you thought something was perfect, NA.ERASE ko lang naman ang raw material ko noh? Nung first afternoon na nag edit kami (Tuesday, grr)… And I was sooo pissed off. ‘Coz I already added it into the final intro and I can never bring the perfect one back, again (so now you can say my intro is a mess, in other words DINALIAN, and… pinagbuntungan ng galit? Haha, grrr). And so, what do you expect?? NA.PRESSURE lang naman ko ug taman2 the next day anoh… buti nalang sir was very kind, he extended the deadest deadline. So whole day din, we were editing, starving and absent from our classes. Hahai..

Now see what I mean? What have I done before to suffer this fuckn’ stuff now?? I mean… ing.ana na jud diay ko ka bad before? And now I have to pay the price? Ahahhaahhahah I’m nuts, am I not?? Hhaahai life… I do not know what to do anymore since then… So I said to myself, “Come what may”. So I did, but I think (hahah you think? grrr) it didn’t turn out that good just like the way I planned it. Guess you can’t have everything you want. Hmmm…

But you know what, everything happens for a reason right? But why haven’t I got any explanation from it? I mean, sure, things don’t go your way every time but, why? Bakit ito pa? Of all… this video is very important to me, why? ‘Coz firstly, this is my first vid, and I want it to be special since I really liked the song and the concept. Secondly, because my expenses have gone in large numbers. It was hard as hell for me, seeing your work didn’t pay off. Anyway, lastly, for some reasons, you must not know, heheh (cge nalang gud! It’s something funny… heheh not funny na haha but funny na amazing). And to think, I worked hard for it (okay lang unta qng wala keh chox lang, but NO, I did work hard for it) but this FUCKN’ CIRCUMSTANCES keeps inviting itself in the picture. Grrr… kasuya! Awh, cge nalang, it’s part of God’s plan (and I just can’t figure out what it is), and I know He has a good reason for it. ☺

Anyhoo… to conclude things off, I would like to say… always “expect the unexpected”, always (well, unless if your motto in life is “think positive”, they kind of contradict, explain soon, hehe awh). You never know what destiny has for you, so don’t expect too much, because DISSAPOINTMENT is painful. It’s the worst thing anyone could have these days… mahal ang bugas! Hahah awh, sa daw? Heheh I hate that line.

So till here everyone. Kung naka relate mo padayon gang… balik2 ha?? And thanks for reading. Kung wala, awh… thanks for reading pa rin, naka abot mo dire na part sa akong blog (I know you skipped some parts… dibuh? Hmmm kaw ha, heheh). So seeyah then, hope I’m not busy this week to chika and to share my thoughts and all. So, ‘till next blog?! Heheh Tatah everyone… have a nice life!!!

PS. Comment if you want me to explain the “expect the unexpected”-contradicting skems of things (it’s just my insight on things, hahah philo, awh) it’s kind of tiring you know… hehe.  And don’t mind the grammar and all, everyone, heheh cge nalang gud! ☺

Note: I WASN’T explaining my side (or what happened), nor blaming anyone (or nagpaDUNGOG2, bitaw!), nor hurting anybody (or am I? hahah I hope not). Awh bitaw… I just want to share my thoughts and what’s in my heart… char! And… for the sake of blogging?? Aiii… soreee!! Heheh cge nalang gud!! Awh, thanks for understanding… heheh bleeh… ‘Til next blog!!! -MOOCH

Thank God for this cross...

“Life is unfair” – the most common line we hear other people say. Yet, did it ever occur to us that without this “unfairness” in this world there would never be called “life”? Well yes, you have not lived until you have experience life’s wonderful treasures – suffering and pleasures go hand-in-hand. These are the elements that compose the life we should be living. And I think one has been living it as well.

Indeed, we are carrying different kinds of “crosses” with us. And we know that like Jesus, either big or small, these sufferings are only tests of our faith in God and His words. And because of this “unfairness” also, it can bring something out of us that we don’t actually know of.

For me right now, the biggest cross that I have ever gotten was being under – probation, by specifically, the humanities division. Or generally, I should say, college life is burden to me. You see, during the first half of this semester, I feel like I was being “tortured” really! I faced all the hurt, and the painful sacrifices that still leave a scar in me. I was very disappointed of the results, I was passed on different teachers and counselors for consultation and encountered different kinds of illnesses because of stress just to retain my 80% grade in my majors. I never thought life feels like hell whenever you reach college and I could feel like I was being eaten up alive with all this sufferings I have right now.

But the best part of this is that God never leave you! And I always bear that in mind. Like, when you think heaven has closed its doors on you, then and there the sun will set and God is there to save you. You see, everything has brightened up during this second half of the semester. Everything turned out good, I mean most of it. My midterm grades are impossible, ‘coz it’s the best grade so far since I was here in Ateneo,(LOL) but I know that was because God was there carrying me.

Also, I discovered something great that was in me all along. And what’s more, I have never been this close to God before, even in my entire life… well honestly! I am very grateful every time I would remember this “cross” and how God left a big impact on me as a person and as a spiritual being.

For you see, without all this trials, there would never be called “life”. It’s just that simple – you suffer now, but then after, God will reward you blessings more than twice your suffering. Because everything happens for a reason, and only He, knows it’s for our own good. I love God always, always!!! :D