A Christmas Nightmare

It was already passed 9 when I decided to start finishing my assignments. I was somewhat crammed over the paper works that has to be done but the following day promised something exciting for me. Yet I know, there’s no another day to finish everything up. I should be busy by then, but his texts washed away what I had planned for the night. And so there I was exchanging thoughts and listening to lover boy’s hilarious stories. As soon as it was over and the Sand Man did his work visiting me, there I was again trying to finish what I had planned for the night. I yawned and looked up the clock then mom’s presence startled me. I thought it was nothing but what came out of her mouth made me wonder what will happen next. It was all about my uncle, her older brother. He was hospitalized because of his heart problems; it seemed ordinary to me since he would visit the doctor a couple of times so we left it just that.

As I welcomed midnight, dad put me to sleep so I won’t get entangle with another problem at large, as I will be going back to Davao early in the morning tomorrow. So I gave myself some rest, expecting for everything to turn out just fine.

As time flew unnoticed, it was already 3 in the morning; mom’s tears came out of nowhere. And we we’re all bothered by the news sent through the text messages. News spread its wings and broke the silence of the night. My beloved uncle died of a heart attack. What came to be a peaceful day ahead was shattered with sounds of grief and agony and we were left reminiscing the old times he was there with us, especially my mom. It was tragic day for all. The day God opened his arms and embraced one of his sons back to his kingdom.

I then went back to sleep and thought about my uncle and then I thought about Christmas. How could a joyous celebration such as this be paired with such a heartache that could entirely ruin the merriest celebration of all time? I just then closed my eyes and hope that the family could get over this. We... could get over this.

Even when I was at school, all these things came over me. I watched the TV again, as though it can divert my attention away. But the news about Death’s works keep popping up the screen, how his claws grabs everyone’s attention and yet made loved ones whimper for their losses. Yes, still remember the old times; I watch the same gory thing happen over and over again. But the sad part is why it could happen now. Why on Christmas? This is supposed to be the season of our Lord Jesus Christ. It’s sad, knowing you cannot be happy in this festive event. And why? Well, simply because this someone bade you their last goodbye. And it’s not the usual goodbye thing. It’s like the ever-permanent-goodbyes there could ever be. And what could be worse than experiencing the real thing right before your eyes? It’s not part of the television anymore, it was real.

The clock was still ticking and I woke up that very Christmas Eve in that freaking Funeral Homes. But as I was trying to wake myself up, I hesitated. Well, what can I do? I don’t have the guts to get up, nor to greet them the worn-out word, “Merry Christmas”. It doesn’t seem merry after all. But who can blame me right? I wasn’t feeling that all happy even just pretending to be. So I just wished myself a merry Christmas as I cried myself to sleep. Hoping this nightmare will finally be over soon.

And another thing, well, whoever said that whatever food you may have in the table, as long as you have the family together, it would be the nicest Christmas there could ever be. Well, what do you know, because of the death of a love one, the family did get together that Christmas, and I mean the whole clan. It was like reunion time once again, but only the saddest. We were there not because to enjoy the yuletide season with the family and the relatives, but because of that certain loved one who is lying in that filthy old coffin, cold and corpse.

It was on the 26^th, that gloomy day everyone is afraid of from coming. It was 11AM when the mass started. But when you realize the mass was nearly over, I felt a sudden, cold in my spine. This is it. Our last physical goodbye to our beloved, I know I hate crying in public but I just can’t seem to force myself from hiding the pain within. Losing a loved one is painful, very excruciating, I know. But why now? I’m supposed to be partying right now, or be somewhere else merry and lively.

And then it came over me. Christmas is really not just about happiness, and merriment. It is also about acceptance and hope. Acceptance for my uncle, that we came from ashes and to ashes we shall return. Acceptance for us, his family, that soon enough, he will be joining our Almighty God in Heaven. I’m sure God has the best plan in the world, and whatever it is, it’s all worth it. And we must be happy for him wherever he is now.

And yes, the other meaning of Christmas; It’s about HOPE. We are so caught up with our dream or our nightmares that we weren’t even thinking about waking up. We must not let this ruin everything. That whatever pain there is that might come our way, we must accept it. And remember that on Christmas, it’s the birth of our Savior. We must believe that He is our last Hope, our only hope. Believe, that before long, the clouds will break and someday soon you’ll see the sun; a new day, the day you’ll have the ever happiness and contentment you always wanted. Just always believe and remember that this is only a nightmare, a worst Christmas nightmare. :(

My TWILIGHT Experience

November 26. The day every girl in the Philippines has been waiting for. The very day, our beloved vampire in a shiny Volvo will hit us in the heart with his mighty smile. The favorite crooked smile we love. And YES, I must admit, I was one of them. And today is the day, a few hours away, I will see that very smile of his. The excitement is killing me. :)

Wednesday morning. It was a very fine day, I woke up with no sign of stress and discontent (because I think I slept so well, unlike those past few days), I went to the balcony first thing in the morning, and surprised that there was the sun and it’s drizzling at the same time. I hurriedly texted my GERZ: “ulan-init, pista sa langit... pista sa langit kay opening sa twilight.” It was funny to say that though, but I can’t help myself from sharing all the excitement I felt especially with only a few hours away. Anyhoo… I hurriedly took a shower and all, and met with Jen at Roxas Benches (as expected, I was somehow LATE; because Jen was expectedly EARLY, LOL peace friend!:)) and then raced ourselves to SM.

It was 10:40am and we were the first ones there. The ticket counter reads: 11:40am, for the first showing and releasing of tickets. Great! We were an hour early, so Jen and I went to McDo first to take our lunch (since she was hungry and she did not ate the night before). Even when we were eating the excitement we felt never failed, we were jumpy, looking around and watching those people who are potentially Twilight-addict and that are also racing with us to get tickets. So we flew ourselves after eating to the ticket counter and wait for the tickets to be released. While waiting in line, Rab (our classmate) saw us, surprised that he did not even tease us, I commented: “I bet, sungogon na pud ta ana sa school” (I bet, he will tease us when we see each other at school). LOL :)

And yes, the suspense grew intense when they handed down the first ticket. The girl who got hold of it shouted with joy, she was very amazed though, I don’t know. Okay, let’s not dwell on the next.

Anyway, it was a blast, for the very first in my life I have never felt excited about a movie before. Yes, I have looked forward to different kinds of films and genres and all, especially romantic films, but nothing like this has ever happened to me before. Not since Hana Kimi Japan Series, but that was different though. When we got hold of our tickets, I was like, WOW we got here Jen, we were here, and we were the first ones here. After serious months of waiting, we were finally here. So Jen and I hurried ourselves inside, we were the first ones there and people are still coming in the theatre house, some of them were shouting, well I understand, I will probably do the same, haha. :)

As the National Anthem was sung, and a LOT of advertisements and trailers were being shown, Jen and I can’t help ourselves from getting restless in our seats. It was like, we were getting ready from being blown away by something (or someoneJ) BIG, something huge. Like you are getting ready for your death... haha. J Anyway, there were a LOT of ads there; I can remember trailers and ads from lancer, women, watchmen, fast and the furious, kamiseta, shaolin girl, underworld and so much more. And then it stopped.

SUMMIT ENTERTAINMENT, it reads. The crowd was shouting. It was intense, it’s here. This is it. (When I mean CROWD, I mean, US too, LOL) As Bella’s voice was heard, the crowd was busy focusing, trying to keep the excitement and the “kilig” to themselves. Trying to keep their attention to every bit, but still can’t help themselves. It was fun.

TWILIGHT, it read again. And the crowd was cooperative, they were wild, shouting. From time to time, as every scene was getting closer to HIM, my heart keeps on pounding. And it happened, in the cafeteria, when Jessica introduced to Bella the family. It was perfect; they were first seen in the window before they entered the cafeteria door. As each character came in after the other, my heart is now ready to explode (especially with the crowd is shouting with you, God, it was like a ticking time bomb, ready to explode ANY SECOND NOW). Rosalie and Emmett came in first, followed by the ever graceful Alice and Jasper. And the crowd stopped… waiting, for that last being to come in. . . 3,2,1. . . Whoosh!!! There he was, his smile caught US, my heart almost died! It was the most exciting, most “kilig”, the grandest entrance I have ever seen, especially with the crowd shouting with you, it was WOW! A total BLAST, I forgot to breathe! *sigh, I coped up… it was stupendous! Hooo… I was BLOWN AWAY and I mean, literally, haha. :)

Moments passed and the crowd was focusing on the movie, every now and then they would shout. And the next thing I know, whoosh, I was again blown away… CARLISLE. I mean, WOW… that entrance was FAST but breathtaking, he was THE BOMB, and HOT I might add. The crowd went wild I could even feel the floor shaking. It was amazing. :)

The movie was great, until in the end, I was blown away. The director did a very good job portraying the story although it was, sort of, too compressed and the editing was not very good because there were still annoying scenes and transitions in it, not to mention some cinematic flaws recognized by my friend Jen (:)). BUT STILL… It was perfect, Stephanie Meyer and Catherine Hardwicke did a pretty good job with it. And yeah, Stephanie Meyer was in the movie, have you recognized her? Jen did. My eyes were busy focusing to Bella, LOL. Trust me; you will know it’s her. J (Comments will be published in my Twilight Movie Review, watch out for it. Thanks!)

Twilight is now included in my Most Favorite Movie of all time – next to or on top of A walk to remember. The very movie I will NEVER forget and I will always love. Edward Cullen: The modern-day Mr. Darcy (Expect this to be in my next blog! Next topic aiyt?:)).

Anyway, since we can’t help but love the movie and everything in it. We watched it TWICE. And we experience the excitement, shouting, and “kilig”, whatever it is, all over again. It was great, a perfect day I will always remember. Thank God for this. *GRIN*

So, ‘til next blog… ttfn! Thanks… bye! Balik-balik po :D

NOTE: Words that are italicized are not mine, these are the lines I quoted from the book and are spoken or felt by the characters. However, the ones with quotation marks in it are spoken and sometimes in a dialect language. In case you haven’t noticed. :D Thank you.

This Girl.

I can’t sleep... I finished reading this simple, f****** piece from a guy who has simply broken a piece of a girl’s fragile heart. And now I can’t sleep, can’t sleep thinking about it… and i just can’t help myself not to remember. My mind is playing tricks on me, and i just hate it that way... i hope someday he will feel the same way she felt that day, it felt like a million ship just sunk within her at the same time... every time!!! Its so sad being her... its so sad knowing someone like her... so sad that once in EVERY girl's heart, she has felt something like this. I just wish I can help her.

"Oh I hate you now, i hate you more than i love you, i hate what i feel right now!!! i hate this crap, I just hate it when I realize I was once THIS GIRL!!!"

Depressing much.

SEPT2. Weee… my first blog in a lifetime. Hahah, NOT! I have a lot of this… stuff, but i’ve stopped since i’ve been busy and all. Anyhoo… since I started this, I think I’m obliged to do this every once in a while so here goes… (LOL)

To start things of, I have this DEPRESSING experience these past few days. You see, our project for midterms is to have our very own music videos with good editing and all. I was very excited then because I am very fond of conceptualizing and all that, so I came up with a perfect one for “Wait for You” by Elliot Yamin (except the fact that it was KIND OF dedicated for someone,) even before I added the class subject. But then, everything turned out unexpectedly, there were some things that didn’t turn out right and I was so disappointed, even after I conceptualized my second one. Until I have learned from my friend the perfect song “Yesterday” by Leona Lewis. But I really wasn’t blaming anybody (really!)… It’s just that circumstances come, and we should be ready for it to happen. My final song was perfect, and I imagined the way it was going to happen, as perfect as the first video I had in mind. The effects, transitions, the video, the setting and all; like I was watching it in my head even before it was being put into a video.

But as I always say, life does funny things to annoy us (heheh,☺). When circumstances came, everything is not the same. And I was like in hell because of it. You see, when I first planned to shoot my vid, fuckn’ circumstances happen, and guess what, it was my 2ND worst enemy, the RAIN (did I mention I hated rain since… forever? Okay, now I did). And now I despised it even more. Every time I plan to shoot my vid, this FUCKN’ RAIN will come. If not the rain, my models don’t have free time and all. And the worst thing of all, I do not have a MAC, I mean, yeah, I have a laptop and all but what can I do?? I wasn’t informed that they were not compatible with MACs (well actually someone told me they DO, so I didn’t do anything about it. And now what? Everything is sooo not right, sigh!). Now, I have to suffer for two whole days in the editing bay just to get my vid done (and A LOooT more days with no sleep, and depression, LOL, bitaw!). And tingnan moh nga naman, just when you thought something was perfect, NA.ERASE ko lang naman ang raw material ko noh? Nung first afternoon na nag edit kami (Tuesday, grr)… And I was sooo pissed off. ‘Coz I already added it into the final intro and I can never bring the perfect one back, again (so now you can say my intro is a mess, in other words DINALIAN, and… pinagbuntungan ng galit? Haha, grrr). And so, what do you expect?? NA.PRESSURE lang naman ko ug taman2 the next day anoh… buti nalang sir was very kind, he extended the deadest deadline. So whole day din, we were editing, starving and absent from our classes. Hahai..

Now see what I mean? What have I done before to suffer this fuckn’ stuff now?? I mean… ing.ana na jud diay ko ka bad before? And now I have to pay the price? Ahahhaahhahah I’m nuts, am I not?? Hhaahai life… I do not know what to do anymore since then… So I said to myself, “Come what may”. So I did, but I think (hahah you think? grrr) it didn’t turn out that good just like the way I planned it. Guess you can’t have everything you want. Hmmm…

But you know what, everything happens for a reason right? But why haven’t I got any explanation from it? I mean, sure, things don’t go your way every time but, why? Bakit ito pa? Of all… this video is very important to me, why? ‘Coz firstly, this is my first vid, and I want it to be special since I really liked the song and the concept. Secondly, because my expenses have gone in large numbers. It was hard as hell for me, seeing your work didn’t pay off. Anyway, lastly, for some reasons, you must not know, heheh (cge nalang gud! It’s something funny… heheh not funny na haha but funny na amazing). And to think, I worked hard for it (okay lang unta qng wala keh chox lang, but NO, I did work hard for it) but this FUCKN’ CIRCUMSTANCES keeps inviting itself in the picture. Grrr… kasuya! Awh, cge nalang, it’s part of God’s plan (and I just can’t figure out what it is), and I know He has a good reason for it. ☺

Anyhoo… to conclude things off, I would like to say… always “expect the unexpected”, always (well, unless if your motto in life is “think positive”, they kind of contradict, explain soon, hehe awh). You never know what destiny has for you, so don’t expect too much, because DISSAPOINTMENT is painful. It’s the worst thing anyone could have these days… mahal ang bugas! Hahah awh, sa daw? Heheh I hate that line.

So till here everyone. Kung naka relate mo padayon gang… balik2 ha?? And thanks for reading. Kung wala, awh… thanks for reading pa rin, naka abot mo dire na part sa akong blog (I know you skipped some parts… dibuh? Hmmm kaw ha, heheh). So seeyah then, hope I’m not busy this week to chika and to share my thoughts and all. So, ‘till next blog?! Heheh Tatah everyone… have a nice life!!!

PS. Comment if you want me to explain the “expect the unexpected”-contradicting skems of things (it’s just my insight on things, hahah philo, awh) it’s kind of tiring you know… hehe.  And don’t mind the grammar and all, everyone, heheh cge nalang gud! ☺

Note: I WASN’T explaining my side (or what happened), nor blaming anyone (or nagpaDUNGOG2, bitaw!), nor hurting anybody (or am I? hahah I hope not). Awh bitaw… I just want to share my thoughts and what’s in my heart… char! And… for the sake of blogging?? Aiii… soreee!! Heheh cge nalang gud!! Awh, thanks for understanding… heheh bleeh… ‘Til next blog!!! -MOOCH

Thank God for this cross...

“Life is unfair” – the most common line we hear other people say. Yet, did it ever occur to us that without this “unfairness” in this world there would never be called “life”? Well yes, you have not lived until you have experience life’s wonderful treasures – suffering and pleasures go hand-in-hand. These are the elements that compose the life we should be living. And I think one has been living it as well.

Indeed, we are carrying different kinds of “crosses” with us. And we know that like Jesus, either big or small, these sufferings are only tests of our faith in God and His words. And because of this “unfairness” also, it can bring something out of us that we don’t actually know of.

For me right now, the biggest cross that I have ever gotten was being under – probation, by specifically, the humanities division. Or generally, I should say, college life is burden to me. You see, during the first half of this semester, I feel like I was being “tortured” really! I faced all the hurt, and the painful sacrifices that still leave a scar in me. I was very disappointed of the results, I was passed on different teachers and counselors for consultation and encountered different kinds of illnesses because of stress just to retain my 80% grade in my majors. I never thought life feels like hell whenever you reach college and I could feel like I was being eaten up alive with all this sufferings I have right now.

But the best part of this is that God never leave you! And I always bear that in mind. Like, when you think heaven has closed its doors on you, then and there the sun will set and God is there to save you. You see, everything has brightened up during this second half of the semester. Everything turned out good, I mean most of it. My midterm grades are impossible, ‘coz it’s the best grade so far since I was here in Ateneo,(LOL) but I know that was because God was there carrying me.

Also, I discovered something great that was in me all along. And what’s more, I have never been this close to God before, even in my entire life… well honestly! I am very grateful every time I would remember this “cross” and how God left a big impact on me as a person and as a spiritual being.

For you see, without all this trials, there would never be called “life”. It’s just that simple – you suffer now, but then after, God will reward you blessings more than twice your suffering. Because everything happens for a reason, and only He, knows it’s for our own good. I love God always, always!!! :D